Seriously

I have reappeared from the dusts of obscurity to discuss a very serious subject. It is something that has just recently come to my attention in a very personal way, and I think it is something that we need to consider carefully, and possibly take action. I am speaking of the high incidence of severe depression among wildlife residing along major highways.

Several weeks ago, I was driving with a couple of friends to Wal-Mart in LeMars (like you do). From nowhere, an obviously suicidal pheasant came rushing across my path. I did all of the things you are supposed to do when faced with such an incident (did not swerve, checked rearview mirror to ensure that there was no one following too closely, put my foot on the brake, and screamed), and at the last possible second, the pheasant (we'll call her Harriet) decided that she did, in fact, have much to live for. Harriet desperately tried to change direction as my green Dodge Spirit barrelled down on her, despite all my best efforts to restrain it. Her toenails scratched pavement. She glanced back at me. Her momentum was too much for her to reverse! Suddenly, she began flapping her wings. I was afraid she'd hit the windshield, but she was able to clear the roof of my car, with centimeters to spare.

Good luck, Harriet. Good job for choosing life. I recommend a good counselor.

A few days ago, my mother and I were driving along when a kamakaze squirrel hurtled his tiny body under our vehicle. This is a miracle, folks: somehow or other, he managed to make it to the other side of the road, unharmed. I don't know, he must have some invisible force field, or something. I don't know what prompted his suicidal behavior, but I hope that this narrow shave with death will inspire him to appreciate what a gift life is.

Yesterday, I was driving back to school. It was night--a common time for wildlife suicide attempts--and some ball of fur (a big raccoon? an oppossum?) managed to use my vehicle for his easy way out. Seriously, I don't think you could even argue that it was an accident; he wasn't even trying to cross the interstate--he was running toward me. I saw him just a mere second before he splattered himself all over the underside of my car. Which is not a pleasant image to have. Especially when driving. Especially when you feel responsible, in some small way, for his death--even though you know there was nothing you could do, etc, etc. (This incident, by the way, prompted more screaming, followed by desperate attempts to calm myself while I navigated the slightly crowded interstate at 70 mph.)

My question is this: what is going on among roadside wildlife? Why such hopelessness? And what should we be doing to combat this epidemic of despair? If you have any thoughts, please, share them. This is a very serious issue, and we need to be thinking about how to respond.