Ugly Belly Button

My break is almost over. I return to school the day after tomorrow, and I work for six hours tomorrow. Which doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but then I have to drive home the next day, and The Brothers will be at school then and The Parents both work early, so it will be kind of a lonely send-off, and I just want to spend as much time at home with my family as possible.

Yesterday, this didn't bother me. Yesterday I was okay with break being nearly over. Yesterday I was a little sad about it, and a little looking forward to it. Yesterday was a long time ago.

Today I'm a little freaky-outy about it. Freaky-outy sounds like an ugly belly button. I feel like I wasted all the time I had to spend with my family. I feel like Easter Break is a long time away from now. I feel like I'm a little frantic. I feel like a natural woman.

I like school. I like my roommate. I like my major. I will probably like my classes next semester. (Okay, the math class is a little iffy. So is the history class, actually.) I like Orange City. I like being around people. I even like the dorms. But telling myself these things doesn't really help much. Because deep down, I still really need my mommy.

Awkward is the word "award" with a k and an extra w

I was at the grocery store the other night with my parents, and I saw Josh Nelson, my friend Cody's roommate, there. This is weird because Josh Nelson is not from my hometown. He was with this other guy, so he might have been visiting, but I didn't recognize the other guy.

Anyway, I pretty much hate situations like that. Because, you see, though I know Josh and he would probably recognize me, we're not actually friends, and how do you greet people like that? That kind of hello is always awkward and weird.

So, I decided to pretend not to see him. Which, as you can imagine, became increasingly difficult, especially when he and the other guy checked out at the same time that we did, and the only other checkout line open was the one next to ours. So I had to concentrate on looking at my cashier's face, and not behind her, where I might accidentally make eye contact with Josh. Which may or may not have been completely obvious.

Whew. Good thing I avoided awkwardness.

New

I have never made a New Year's resolution.

I have several reasons for this. Firstly, and I think, mostly--I'm simply far too lazy to think hard enough to evaluate what I feel like I'm not doing right in my life. That takes a lot of honest, deep reflection. I am neither deep nor honest. Deciding that I want to change the failings I've discovered in myself requires humility, and I am not humble. Making a resolution implies action, activity; actively pursuing improvement. And, as I said before, I am simply far too lazy.

Secondly, I know that if I were to make a resolution, I may be enamored of it for the first few days--maybe even a week, although not likely--and then I'll give it up. I basically have pathetic powers of will. I'm not alone in this, I know; health and fitness centers always do the most business the first week or two of the year, and then it tapers off again. I'm pretty sure I'd fail at any goals I set for myself. I hate failing.

Thirdly, why is it only January 1st that change happens? I rebel against a system that encourages such limits on improvement. Or so I tell myself.

And lastly, sometimes I like to think I'm a cool non-conformist. Everyone else makes New Year's resolutions; I'll be different. Especially since I don't want to make one anyway. Then I can tell myself I'm bucking the system. That'll show The Man.

However, this year I'm going to try it. I've been thinking for several weeks that there are things lacking in myself, and I've decided to change that. Specifically, there are things that I am passionate about that I am not committed to cultivating in myself, and I am frustrated with my stasis. I seek growth. I have always sought growth, but have never been dedicated enough to do a whole lot to get it. That changes. Now. I promise.



To The Man: Actually, I made this resolution a week and a half ago. So there.